Guys We Can Get Behind #1 – Mr. “She left me!”

You see a girl from across the room at a club with a one-word name (Sway, Butter, Chance, Karma, Sutra, or Lips, if you’re in a pinch) and you’re instantly interested. This girl has everything you’ve been looking for, from the Pilates body to the black AmEx, and the way she’s getting down to the DJ’s 80’s night mix has got your heart beating faster than that time you snorted your cousin’s Adderall at that bris. You casually walk over and start up a conversation, never forgetting The Situation’s message: “This situation is gonna be indescribable, you can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into, the situation.” You two talk about Cornell, the Jets, and the gym. You do some Jaeger-bombs, dance a little more, and before you know it, you’re cabbing it back to Murray Hill together.

Months pass, she occasionally whispers some straight-up filthy stuff into your ear at family functions, and before you know it, she’s moving in. You’re in love. You love everything about her, from her enormous collection of Louis Vuitton luggage to the adorable way she calls everyone who rings her phone number by accident “sexy.” You even come to love Tory Burch, her Chihuahua. Time rolls on. She starts acting distant, you’re back to under the shirt, over the bra action, and you’re starting to get suspicious about the smell of Axe’s Sexhammer on her clothes when everybody knows you’re your signature scent is Lionfist. One day, you come home to find her by the door in her Juicys, her armada of tasteful suitcases and trunks packed. She tells you she’s fallen for her Dianetics instructor and they’re moving back to Short Hills. Soon enough, she’s gone, and the only reminders you have of her are the box of unused waxing strips in your medicine cabinet and the tiny dog she left on your bed with the note, “She likes Kobe beef and the Kardashians.” Mr. “She left me!” is one of the few male small dog walkers we can get behind. Sure, the incredible embarrassment of planning your evenings around the bowel movements of 4-pound asthmatic rat-dog is still there, but you’ve done the right thing. Unlike certain filthy hookers we shall not mention, you’re taking responsibility, stepping up to the task at hand, and being a man. That shaky little hairball will undoubtedly live forever, as small annoying things have a tendency to do, but most importantly, that shit machine is in your care, and like any father who doesn’t want to end up on Maury, you’re doing the right thing and will be more careful next time.


5 Responses to “Guys We Can Get Behind #1 – Mr. “She left me!””

  1. Oh my gosh, the poor guy! What a crappy “mother.” At least that dog will be better off with him.

  2. I too enjoy Kobe beef and the Kardashians.

  3. Hysterical. Oh-so-Murray-Hill.

  4. Love it, dude. Too bad it had to be our boy Seth that has to take the fall.

  5. I am friends with this dude, and this is hilarious.

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